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[ When Shino all but falls against him, Shi Qingxuan's worry flares. He feels very delicate like this, holding onto him with his hair still damp and unbrushed. Without a second thought, he wraps his arms snugly around his shoulders and back, keeping him close. He smells like himself and like oranges and vanilla and not like flowers, for once, after how those scents had permeated the city for much too long.

That isn't very important now, though. During that time, he was so focused on Gu Yun after he was captured, he hadn't bothered with the wine shop or anything else, and when Shino asks that small question, he guiltily wonders if he missed Shino's prayer, too. ]

Mm, though it's over now.

[ He lifts a hand to pet Shino's head and back in long, soothing strokes. ]

If you want me to stay right here, then it's not too greedy to ask me to stay beside you all night.

[ He'd hate it if he knew he was really worrying Shi Qingxuan. It's not what he means, and not why he's clinging like a limpet, or a child. He should probably hate this tendency in himself more, but he can't bring himself to, when holding to people is one of the few grounding, reassuring things he's had in his life. ]

Can you really stay all night?

[ Is a still muffled question against Shi Qingxuan's chest, before Shino pulls his head back, green eyes searching Qingxuan's face. ]

Hey, Qingxuan... would you...

[ His eyes drop, feelings mixed up and words temporarily stoppered on his tongue. A frown pulls at his lips, and then he looks up again, eyes locking with Qingxuan's. ]

Would you make love to me still if I was stuck like a deer jinba permanently?

[ He has some worries, and this is now becoming one of them, adjacent to how little he'd like that lack of control of focus; feeling too much like the kind of demon who only operates on a single-focus track. ]

Until you wake up in the morning. [ It's his own way of reassuring him. He knows Shino likes to be held, and he knows he likes to sleep curled up beside him. With how exhausted Shino sounds and how much he's clinging now, he thinks Shino must need this sort of comfort and affection right now.

His hand was still smoothing over his hair when Shino pulled his head back, and then it rests on his shoulder instead.

Would he still...? ]

Huh??

[ ?!?! Shi Qingxuan stares down at him with wide eyes.

This is what he was worrying about?!

Ah, well... Shi Qingxuan purses his lips in thought. He had been stuck as a nine-tailed fox-woman (that poor dress will never recover), so Shino must have been stuck in that deer jinba form...

Naturally, Shi Qingxuan would love Shino no matter his form - male, female, human, jinba, demon - but loving and making love are two different things here... Of course Shino has some concerns.

...but, like the last time this came up, Shi Qingxuan has some concerns, too! Rather than blushing, his face is a little paler as he closes his eyes, takes a breath, and then meets Shino's eyes as he carefully says: ]

I love you in any form, but I don't know if making love is physically possible in all of them. If you were a deer jinba, I don't know if we would be physically compatible...?

[ Which, even saying that as delicately as he can, he feels like that's not the answer Shino wants to hear. ]

Edited 2020-06-08 13:36 (UTC)

[ It's not, of course, and he visibly deflates, turning his face back down so he can't be scrutinized. He has arguments, but they're not quite applicable, and while he doesn't let go or cling any tighter, he doesn't bury his face again. At least he'll still be loved, and that's the most important point, but it strikes home right now in his interpretation of what's being said that they very rarely make love, if physical compatibility is the stumbling block. So what else is it they do? Is it just... he guesses it's just being really close?

He'd scrub at his face in another situation, but he's subtly reshifting his understandings of physical relationships with Shi Qingxuan, one odd-shaped stacking block at a time. And it prods at how he'd been with Konoha, and he can't tell if it's easier or stranger to realise that wasn't making love either, from this standpoint. ]

Oh.

[ Is all he says, and it's not defeated, nor small. Simply a word to match the eyes he won't meet, and the lack of change in how he stays close. It's not like he wants anything someone doesn't want to give, he never has, and sex is still so new to him, only half a year of learning by doing. And he's really not made much love, so... so what if he doesn't ever again? If he ends up stuck one day, forever, it's just one stupid thing that's not high up on his general concerns, but...

But he's glad he knows, at least.

Having followed that particular mental path, he ends up at a confession: one that's almost lacking in impact when delivered so factually. ]

Konoha helped take the Iris edge off by letting me use my mouth on her.

[ And that's it: dry and succinct, with no other language. There's nothing else he knows to say.

Might as well move on, since it's not what he'd thought it could be like, and he's not going to linger over pointless thoughts. ]

[ Shino not liking his answer was expected, but he hadn't expected his reaction to be so frigid, either. It's not what Shi Qingxuan expected, to have Shino stop with just a simple oh and nothing more.

Of course, he also doesn't leave it as just oh, but that indifferent tone is still there, and those words...

A myriad of thoughts go through Shi Qingxuan's mind - first, that's a pretty shocking revelation when he didn't even know they had that kind of relationship; second, this timing is rather notable; thirdly, this timing is incredibly telling - and all he can do is stare down at him, too stunned and confused to even fall into his usual mode of dealing uncomfortable and tense moments.

After a moment, he stops gaping and says, very evenly: ]

If Shino has something to say to me, he should say it outright.

[ He reads that silence as confirmation, at first, imagines some stiffness, before he's simply confused. Say what to him how? When hasn't he? Shino lifts his head again, finally loosening his hold, brow furrowed in confusion.

He'd thought (erroneously) his awareness of the B-cube was an indication of what he'd dealt with. Instead, there's this. ]

Is there something I haven't said? That whole B-cube thing got me stuck as a deer-jinba. Konoha helped.

[ He finally does let go, still visibly confused, though he wipes the confusion away after, damp hair clinging to shoulders and part of his face. He takes an uncertain step back, suddenly less sure of the ground he's standing on. ]

Iris can be bad. Really bad.

[ And if he's getting stuck as a deer-jinba more and more often, if that happens again... he hadn't hated the moment, hadn't hated chasing the heat away with someone he cares about, and also hadn't thought of doing the same again with Konoha, or anyone, really. It's confusing enough for him when she's the second person he's been intimate with, and it's shifted a small thing between them, but not changed the way they felt, or how he felt for others in a far more intimate manner. He's in love with Shi Qingxuan, he's in love with Xie Lian, and...

And nothing, apparently. He'll have to figure out Iris on his own. He'll figure out whatever he needs to, because it's his stupid moon burden to bear. ]

[ To think that the B-Cube incident could have such a revelation for Shino. The one who's confused here is Shi Qingxuan, and he's trying to connect the dots since, for once, Shino isn't telling his feelings plainly and openly.

Maybe that's better? No, it just feels uncomfortable when he's used to complete honesty from him. Shino steps away, and Shi Qingxuan doesn't know what to do with his hands beyond flicking open the fan tucked into his belt and start fanning himself. He's not flushed, and if anything he's paler than usual, but the brush of wind on his face feels good.

Fine, fine, if Shino is confused, then he'll be the one to say things outright! ]

I didn't know you and Konoha had that kind of relationship. Not that you need to tell me everything— [ But he's the one that was so forthright with his feelings before, so can he be a little shocked now? ] —and if you want to spend Iris with her, of course that's your own choice to make. I really don't understand jinba as well as she does...

[ As inadequate as he feels now, he's the one who's said it, so it doesn't sting too badly.

But it still stings. ]

[ For a moment, he stares at him, uncomprehending. When did he say he wanted to spend Iris with anyone? Having the B-cube throw him into an Iris-adjacent state he couldn't shake off just by powering through it, being forced out of his natural form and into a new one, feeling like he couldn't leave in the first place...

Beyond even that, what kind of relationship did he have with Konoha? ]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[ He says, brow furrowing. ]

Konoha's my friend, and she has her own Iris to deal with. With Gonta, her husband. Why would I force myself on both of them? Why would I even want to?

[ Yes, she knows jinba better, because she is one, all one hundred percent natural, so he doesn't say anything about her understanding versus Shi Qingxuan's: of course Konoha knows more. The only relevance for that statement he can find is tied up in the rest of his own reshuffled thoughts on intimacy and making love, and he doesn't know how the heck that slates together. Is Qingxuan hurt? Jealous? He's not embarrassed, he's too pale as he fans himself.

Shino's chest constricts, and he hugs his chest as a way to both give his arms something to do and to ease that sudden, sharp pain. He's messed up, hasn't he? He's not sure of all the particulars, but he had to have, right? ]

Why are you assuming I want to spend Iris with anyone else? I'm saying what that stupid cube did to me!

[ He's a confused kind of angry, and though it's tempting to give in to being angry, it's the confusion and his own hurt that's more immediate. He blinks his eyes to rid himself of their burning, chin tucking inward. ]

That whole time I couldn't leave, my head was so wrapped up in worrying about Konoha because of that cube, and the heat didn't stop. Nothing made it stop. I couldn't even bring myself to... to touch myself, like I needed permission or something, I don't know! And when Konoha noticed how bad it was, she felt bad and asked if she could help, and I said yes. And I thought it was something like making love but apparently it's not, apparently only certain things are, apparently all the things you wouldn't want to do if I was stuck like that again, and just because you don't want to do those things doesn't mean I'm going to run to Konoha and Gonta and beg that they will because I'm so desperate to make love with people who don't want me.

[ That's a lot all at once to say.

Shi Qingxuan stares at him, still fanning himself, and he isn't sure what to say.

Mostly because he had been operating under a completely different understanding of the situation which involved Shino and Konoha being lovers and Shino opting to relieve the discomfort and heat of Iris with someone who understands his issues more personally. (Admittedly, this started with Shi Qingxuan saying he didn't know if he could make love to Shino in that form, and that's still true... He can't just change that inadequacy.)

Now that he understands their relationship and the context behind what he initially said, a different kind of pain works its way into his chest. That time in the B-cube was truly trying for him... Even if he knew, Shi Qingxuan knows he couldn't have helped him, but to hear how helpless he felt, Shi Qingxuan still wishes he could have done more...

And between all of that helplessness, there's another thread of misunderstanding that Shi Qingxuan doesn't understand, but first things first— ]

I don't want you to spend time with people who don't want you—I always want you, so I want you to spend time with me. I want you in every form.

[ Though he can't imagine Konoha wouldn't want him. Maybe that's Shi Qingxuan's own bias, but he's not examining that now. ]

Making love is only making love if it's with someone you love. [ And now he's finally getting embarrassed, voice wavering. ] I don't know what you consider it, but if I'm with you, then it's always that.

[ That's the "certain thing" in Shi Qingxuan's very thorough definition of what qualifies as "making love."

Beyond that, though, there's that initial misunderstanding he wants to clear up. It's not that he doesn't want to make love to Shino, it's that... ]

...But I don't know how to handle that form, I really don't. I don't know how to please you. [ He fans more rapidly and his voice drops, the only two things currently letting him keep his composure. ] And you can't say that having it only one way counts! It doesn't count if I can't please you too! Even if you're fine with it, I still want to make love to you, too...

[ All his shuffled thoughts are paused, unceremoniously dropped on the floor. If making love is... well, yes, that he knew and agreed on, but. ]

But you're always pleasing me. Whenever I'm with you, I'm pleased. What kind of pleasing are you talking about, that you can't do with your hands or your mouth or I don't know?!

[ The door behind Shi Qingxuan rattles with for force of the Wind Master Fan's gusts. ]

I don't know if I can please you with my hands or my mouth either when you're not human there, I've never been anything but human when these things happen, I don't know what will feel nice for a jinba, I don't know what jinba like!!

[ Now he's rambling and even the wind on his face can't keep the blush from creeping up his neck. ]

[ His eyes are drawn toward that door, blinking, sure that yes this is seeing embarrassment on some level but-- ]

Being wanted? I'm still made out of flesh and bone, it's not like that changes, and even what's... even what's down there isn't that different! A little bigger, yeah, and in a sheath, but I don't even think it looks deer like so much like a... small horse?

[ He's not suddenly gifted with Large Dick, is what he's saying, because yes he knows this and yes he tried figuring it out. All things said, he's got a very... long... mostly humanlike penis.

And no, he has no idea how accurate that is or isn't, and it makes peeing weird because balancing over squat toilets or seated toilets is weird enough, but no one's asking! He's not telling!!! ]

Ah-ahahaha!

[ Nope, he's lost it now, face completely red, eyes wide. Embarrassment has finally won out over composure. ]

I want you, but...hahaha... I don't... How could my face... hahaha... hahaha... I'm not the size of a horse?

[ ???? Does Shi Qingxuan even know what he's saying?? This is without even knowing his thoughts, which would at least make him laugh for a different reason. ]

[ He's not sure he's following what is being said, now, but that's more because no thought is completed. His sense is that Qingxuan understandably doesn't think he can take much in his mouth, which... yes? but there's a whole length, right, and tongues are good for... why is he thinking about this?!

The not the size of a horse thing on the other hand goes right to: ]

What does that have to do with... you're girthy enough! It'd be fine!

[ Goes right to thinking Shi Qingxuan is worried Shino wouldn't feel him from behind. ]

[ His eyes water, either from embarrassment or from the assault of wind on his face, and his smile is still wavering. ]

Thank you? Haha... I'm naturally that way, aha...

[ At least, even embarrassed and flustered, he still appreciates compliments. Even about his dick. ]

You're a good size too, in human form. Not that I think you'd be a bad size in jinba form, hahaha... But I never...hahaha... It, hahaha...

[ He's finally stopped holding his torso in favour of holding his face. ]

Shi! Qing! Xuan!

[ He finally stops fanning, his hair falling against his shoulders again, the door no longer softly rattling.

He's still tearing up, but Shino's snapped him out of his "haha, haha"-ing. ]

Shino?

[ Pulling his hands down his face, but still holding his own face, his now more dry hair in a total mess, he asks: ]

What exactly and in specifics are you worried about here?!

[ Because he admits, he seriously doesn't think he knows! Why were they complimenting each other's dicks?! What was Qingxuan thinking up that Shino wasn't?! ]

[ In specifics, he doesn't want to talk about this because it's embarrassing! It's way too embarrassing! He thought they were going to hang out a little bit and maybe cuddle... Now he's thinking of the finer points of human-jinba coupling for the first time since...well, this last happened.

He manages to just keep his fan, open as it is, simply tucked against his chest. ]

...

[ b r e a t h e

He closes his eyes and lifts his fan to cover the lower half of his face. ]

How would the angle work if you're standing and I'm on my knees?? I'll just headbutt your stomach at best.

[ Watching Shi Qingxuan hide away his lower face again, Shino finally lets his hands drop away from his own face. What in the world... ]

... Qingxuan... I'd sit. Or lay down! Why would I be standing?

Why wouldn't you be standing??

[ He opens his eyes, looking down at him, but he keeps his face shielded. ]

I don't know what you'd do and what would be comfortable. I never had to think of this so much.

Wouldn't we start with asking? How often do I stand up when we're doing that like this?

[ He gestures to himself with both hands, look, all human, all a mess, still barefoot and tangled now. ]

I didn't have to either, until I did, and when your brain's nothing but what you're trying not to do for over a week straight, two weeks, you think a lot about it even when you don't want to.

[ And now Shi Qingxuan feels guilty again remembering Shino's state with the B-cube. Right, that is what started all of this. For a moment, his eyes lower, but he's collected himself enough again that he lifts his eyes, snaps his fan shut, and tucks it into his belt. ]

Since Shino has thought of this more than I have, he should tell me what he's considered, then! Let me brush your hair out, and we can talk together somewhere more comfortable.

[ He nods, but doesn't speak when he turns and heads for the bedroom, where he left his brush. What has he considered? It's a long, hazy recollection, too many things blurred together, such that he isn't sure there's a coherent explanation. Still... this is a better conversation now than it had been when they were both confused and at a loss as to what each other even meant.

He scrubs at his face with one hand, sitting on the bed without any attempt at grace. His brush, which yes, look, he has one! Bounces on the bed beside him, clattering to the floor. Hand dropping away from his face, he stares down at it, frowns, then leans forward, mess of more or less dried hair pooling around his head, reaching for the stupid thing. ]

[ Oh good, he better have one! He has such beautiful hair, he should take good care of it!

Shi Qingxuan settled himself behind him with much more grace, all the flowing layers of his robes pulled neatly around himself. While Shino gets his comb, Shi Qingxuan carefully gathers his hair from across his shoulders, pulling it neatly behind his back. His hair really is a bit if a mess... Shi Qingxuan has to wonder why Shino chose such an inopportune time to pray to him. Did he think he wouldn't answer as soon as he did...?

He pulls his hair back just a bit to press a kiss to the side of Shino's neck. ]

Let's trade?

[ The comb Shino picked up for the orange Shi Qingxuan has pulled from his sleeve. ]

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