winepouring | Inbox

[ He's not sure he's following what is being said, now, but that's more because no thought is completed. His sense is that Qingxuan understandably doesn't think he can take much in his mouth, which... yes? but there's a whole length, right, and tongues are good for... why is he thinking about this?!

The not the size of a horse thing on the other hand goes right to: ]

What does that have to do with... you're girthy enough! It'd be fine!

[ Goes right to thinking Shi Qingxuan is worried Shino wouldn't feel him from behind. ]

[ His eyes water, either from embarrassment or from the assault of wind on his face, and his smile is still wavering. ]

Thank you? Haha... I'm naturally that way, aha...

[ At least, even embarrassed and flustered, he still appreciates compliments. Even about his dick. ]

You're a good size too, in human form. Not that I think you'd be a bad size in jinba form, hahaha... But I never...hahaha... It, hahaha...

[ He's finally stopped holding his torso in favour of holding his face. ]

Shi! Qing! Xuan!

[ He finally stops fanning, his hair falling against his shoulders again, the door no longer softly rattling.

He's still tearing up, but Shino's snapped him out of his "haha, haha"-ing. ]

Shino?

[ Pulling his hands down his face, but still holding his own face, his now more dry hair in a total mess, he asks: ]

What exactly and in specifics are you worried about here?!

[ Because he admits, he seriously doesn't think he knows! Why were they complimenting each other's dicks?! What was Qingxuan thinking up that Shino wasn't?! ]

[ In specifics, he doesn't want to talk about this because it's embarrassing! It's way too embarrassing! He thought they were going to hang out a little bit and maybe cuddle... Now he's thinking of the finer points of human-jinba coupling for the first time since...well, this last happened.

He manages to just keep his fan, open as it is, simply tucked against his chest. ]

...

[ b r e a t h e

He closes his eyes and lifts his fan to cover the lower half of his face. ]

How would the angle work if you're standing and I'm on my knees?? I'll just headbutt your stomach at best.

[ Watching Shi Qingxuan hide away his lower face again, Shino finally lets his hands drop away from his own face. What in the world... ]

... Qingxuan... I'd sit. Or lay down! Why would I be standing?

Why wouldn't you be standing??

[ He opens his eyes, looking down at him, but he keeps his face shielded. ]

I don't know what you'd do and what would be comfortable. I never had to think of this so much.

Wouldn't we start with asking? How often do I stand up when we're doing that like this?

[ He gestures to himself with both hands, look, all human, all a mess, still barefoot and tangled now. ]

I didn't have to either, until I did, and when your brain's nothing but what you're trying not to do for over a week straight, two weeks, you think a lot about it even when you don't want to.

[ And now Shi Qingxuan feels guilty again remembering Shino's state with the B-cube. Right, that is what started all of this. For a moment, his eyes lower, but he's collected himself enough again that he lifts his eyes, snaps his fan shut, and tucks it into his belt. ]

Since Shino has thought of this more than I have, he should tell me what he's considered, then! Let me brush your hair out, and we can talk together somewhere more comfortable.

[ He nods, but doesn't speak when he turns and heads for the bedroom, where he left his brush. What has he considered? It's a long, hazy recollection, too many things blurred together, such that he isn't sure there's a coherent explanation. Still... this is a better conversation now than it had been when they were both confused and at a loss as to what each other even meant.

He scrubs at his face with one hand, sitting on the bed without any attempt at grace. His brush, which yes, look, he has one! Bounces on the bed beside him, clattering to the floor. Hand dropping away from his face, he stares down at it, frowns, then leans forward, mess of more or less dried hair pooling around his head, reaching for the stupid thing. ]

[ Oh good, he better have one! He has such beautiful hair, he should take good care of it!

Shi Qingxuan settled himself behind him with much more grace, all the flowing layers of his robes pulled neatly around himself. While Shino gets his comb, Shi Qingxuan carefully gathers his hair from across his shoulders, pulling it neatly behind his back. His hair really is a bit if a mess... Shi Qingxuan has to wonder why Shino chose such an inopportune time to pray to him. Did he think he wouldn't answer as soon as he did...?

He pulls his hair back just a bit to press a kiss to the side of Shino's neck. ]

Let's trade?

[ The comb Shino picked up for the orange Shi Qingxuan has pulled from his sleeve. ]

[ He leans back with that kiss, because he'd been tired to start with, and any more emotional wringing is leaving him even more exhausted. It's no one's fault, simply a series of days and emotional events taking their toll with a few more miscommunications piled on top, resolved as most of them are now.

He closes his eyes when he hands over the comb, but opens them at the touch and smell of the orange. ]

Where did that come from?

From my apartment. You sounded tired when you prayed to me, so I thought you might want a snack...

[ He finishes that trailing off, realizing after he's already said it that it was an incredibly shallow thought.

Well, he's not going to dwell on that! He lifts the orange a little more, offering. ]

Are you hungry?

[ It isn't deep, but it's nice, that he had any thought or intention at all. Shino smiles a little, accepting the orange, settling in to peeling it and starting with shoving his fingernail into the divot where the orange grew from the tree. The sharp scent of citrus bursts in his nose with that breaking of orange skin, flooding the area in a way refreshingly different than recent times have been: flowers so omnipresent as to be nauseating. Ones that had taken Shi Qingxuan's eye, which has yet to fully heal... or heal in any way where his god's comfortable leaving off what disguises it away in white. ]

Famished.

[ He says, but the way he peels the orange is methodical, using his thumbs to pry up the peel in a long, winding tail, leaving it unbroken. ]

I'm... not really sure what... I'd want, when I'm like that.

[ Behind him, Shi Qingxuan nods unseen while he gathers up and starts gently working the tangles out of his hair, starting at the bottom. ]

Then we can think about it when the time comes? If it's affection that you want, then I can always give you affection, no matter what form either of us are in.

[ Which doesn't necessarily include making love, but Shino had said he wants love...

And he's grateful that at least his small offering was accepted without more question. Of course Shino always has an appetite...! ]

Oh, but I also brought you a peach. If you're hungry, then I can make you dinner, too.

[ Still working on the peel, he hums a note that means nothing, thinking about peaches and dinner and not having an appetite, for once, beyond this orange. The peel grows longer in his hands, a spiral elongating as he continues baring the fruit within the rind. ]

Yeah... I just. Is my being furry going to turn you off?

[ The literal fur. It's much more pervasive when he's like that than... than anything else. ]

[ That......is the question, isn't it. Shi Qingxuan is grateful Shino can't see his face because he has no idea what kind of expression he's making in response to that question. He's a human who likes other humans, so it's natural that he's not interested in animals! But Shino is also a human who just happens to sometimes become somewhat less human than he prefers... ]

I admit, I'm much more attracted to the parts of you that look human... [ Brush, brush... ] This isn't something I ever had to consider before. I don't know what to think.

[ The peel falls into his lap, an imperfectly constructed sphere. ]

I don't know either. Are we going to have to stop being like that with each other if I get stuck that way? Entirely?

[ His pause in fruit deconstruction ends as he starts methodically peeling portions off the orange after carefully working it into halves. ]

[ Shi Qingxuan rubs at his forehead with his free hand. The orange smells nice, and the monotony of hair brushing is soothing, but this really is an issue he feels he needs to put thought into. ]

I don't know? I don't want to, but this is something I can just accept or reject. [ He lowers his hand to start holding his loose hair again. ] What would you do in my position?

[ ...Though, Shino...with Konoha... So maybe he doesn't have any such dilemma. ]

[ He's silent for a moment, his voice very soft when he replies. ]

I'd find a way to make it work. It's... that's just how I am.

[ He can understand otherwise, but between his inherent stubborn nature, and the way he loves, he'd figure out whatever ways did work. And he'd never ask anyone else to do the same, knowing nothing else. Going in absolutely blind.

His chin tucks in, and he resumes sectioning the orange, thumb brushing over the seeds under a thin layer of skin in each piece as he goes. A small pile is growing right there on his lap, to the side of the spiraling peel. ]

[ It's just how he is. Shi Qingxuan really wonders how far he meant it when he said he'd want him no matter what state he was in. How can he compare to that? Loving is easy. The logistics of a physical relationship are not. ]

Isn't that to say you don't know what you would do either? It's the same thing. This needs more thought than a simple yes or no.

[ And he's tempted to just leave it at that as that's all that needs to be said.

But, he trusts Shino more than most people, so he continues anyway. In a soft voice: ]

How would you feel if we never did it again?

[ He has to pause, because he doesn't have a ready answer to that soft question. He sets aside his many segments of uneaten orange, sets aside the spiraling peel, and twists around, pulling his hair out of Shi Qingxuan's hands as he does. He needs to see him right now, because for him, he's... he's not sure the issue, in his heart, has anything to do with sex, specifically. And he knows himself well enough not to let himself pretend it is. ]

You've taught me a lot about enjoying it, and I do, with you. But it's... it's not the making love I'd miss if I lost you.

[ His muddled way forward, and that's the truth under it all: loss, and losing, and loneliness. He's lived all his life until the last half year without sex, and yes, he enjoys it, and yes, it's fun, but most of all that has to do with his partner: has to do with Shi Qingxuan. He'd made a form of love with Konoha, but that... in so many ways, nothing about it had been the same. It's not something he yearns for; it's not her arms he wants to sink into, or her form he wants to hold.

It's not sex, but it is the brush of hands, sides leaned against, smiles given, hair brushed off foreheads and the press of an ear to a chest, listening to a heartbeat. It's shared warmth and curling up side by side or falling asleep with a head on a lap. It's everything in casual intimacy, the things which tell Shino he's not alone. ]

I just don't want to be why I lose you.

[ I'm not done yet..., is Shi Qingxuan's unspoken thought as Shino pulls his hair away, and he's left just holding a comb and looking down into Shino's eyes. Now that he's facing him, this feels even more serious - though, honestly, this has felt serious from the beginning, and the increased intensity is felt acutely. Still, Shi Qingxuan keeps his composure as he meets Shino's eyes.

When Shino explain... Shi Qingxuan isn't sure when he began thinking along that line of thought and isn't sure if they were on the same page during any point of this. Hadn't he said he'd love him in any form? He'll love him in any form, so what's being lost? It's not hurt of anger that he feels but confusion, and layered over that confusion is concern.

Setting the comb in his lap, Shi Qingxuan shifts to take Shino's face in his hands. ]

There's nothing being lost. I'm right here, and as long as I'm here, you haven't lost me.

[ He leans forward and presses his forehead to his. ]

I wouldn't care at all we never did that again. I like it, but it's not important. Even if you were a bold little cat that just hogs my pillow, I would still love you. I wouldn't go away over something so small.

[ If turning into a house pet is "something small", who knows what qualifies as "something big", and he won't ask Shino if the feeling is mutual. ]

[ Were they thinking along the same lines? Without Shino saying explicitly what's going through his head, it's impossible for either of them to know. His response to those hands on his face, the press of a forehead, and the words right then...

His chest hurts. His chest hurts, and his eyes burn, and he's crying without any sort of pause between relative maudlin calm and heartfelt, sobbing outpouring. He doesn't stay still, either, because he's not sure what to say or how to say it, so when he tries to shove his face into the crook of Shi Qingxuan's neck and burrow into his arms and lap, clinging tight, it's just a garbled mess of unfinished sentences and sentiments. ]

I'm sorry [ and ] I love you [ and ] why not a dog [ as if turning into any one animal is a choice any of them can make. But stress is stress; the fears he feels aren't logical, all tied up in how he said he didn't want to be why he lost Qingxuan because he already knows the world itself can be a reason why. ]

Don't leave.

[ And there's that, too. Something no one can guarantee by mechanisms beyond them, but something one can try to live by under their own power. And even that is not a logical plea, but the compounding of exhaustion and confusion and fears of loneliness and the kindness of those hands and those words and how he doesn't want to let go. ]

Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)