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[ He's silent for a moment, his voice very soft when he replies. ]

I'd find a way to make it work. It's... that's just how I am.

[ He can understand otherwise, but between his inherent stubborn nature, and the way he loves, he'd figure out whatever ways did work. And he'd never ask anyone else to do the same, knowing nothing else. Going in absolutely blind.

His chin tucks in, and he resumes sectioning the orange, thumb brushing over the seeds under a thin layer of skin in each piece as he goes. A small pile is growing right there on his lap, to the side of the spiraling peel. ]

[ It's just how he is. Shi Qingxuan really wonders how far he meant it when he said he'd want him no matter what state he was in. How can he compare to that? Loving is easy. The logistics of a physical relationship are not. ]

Isn't that to say you don't know what you would do either? It's the same thing. This needs more thought than a simple yes or no.

[ And he's tempted to just leave it at that as that's all that needs to be said.

But, he trusts Shino more than most people, so he continues anyway. In a soft voice: ]

How would you feel if we never did it again?

[ He has to pause, because he doesn't have a ready answer to that soft question. He sets aside his many segments of uneaten orange, sets aside the spiraling peel, and twists around, pulling his hair out of Shi Qingxuan's hands as he does. He needs to see him right now, because for him, he's... he's not sure the issue, in his heart, has anything to do with sex, specifically. And he knows himself well enough not to let himself pretend it is. ]

You've taught me a lot about enjoying it, and I do, with you. But it's... it's not the making love I'd miss if I lost you.

[ His muddled way forward, and that's the truth under it all: loss, and losing, and loneliness. He's lived all his life until the last half year without sex, and yes, he enjoys it, and yes, it's fun, but most of all that has to do with his partner: has to do with Shi Qingxuan. He'd made a form of love with Konoha, but that... in so many ways, nothing about it had been the same. It's not something he yearns for; it's not her arms he wants to sink into, or her form he wants to hold.

It's not sex, but it is the brush of hands, sides leaned against, smiles given, hair brushed off foreheads and the press of an ear to a chest, listening to a heartbeat. It's shared warmth and curling up side by side or falling asleep with a head on a lap. It's everything in casual intimacy, the things which tell Shino he's not alone. ]

I just don't want to be why I lose you.

[ I'm not done yet..., is Shi Qingxuan's unspoken thought as Shino pulls his hair away, and he's left just holding a comb and looking down into Shino's eyes. Now that he's facing him, this feels even more serious - though, honestly, this has felt serious from the beginning, and the increased intensity is felt acutely. Still, Shi Qingxuan keeps his composure as he meets Shino's eyes.

When Shino explain... Shi Qingxuan isn't sure when he began thinking along that line of thought and isn't sure if they were on the same page during any point of this. Hadn't he said he'd love him in any form? He'll love him in any form, so what's being lost? It's not hurt of anger that he feels but confusion, and layered over that confusion is concern.

Setting the comb in his lap, Shi Qingxuan shifts to take Shino's face in his hands. ]

There's nothing being lost. I'm right here, and as long as I'm here, you haven't lost me.

[ He leans forward and presses his forehead to his. ]

I wouldn't care at all we never did that again. I like it, but it's not important. Even if you were a bold little cat that just hogs my pillow, I would still love you. I wouldn't go away over something so small.

[ If turning into a house pet is "something small", who knows what qualifies as "something big", and he won't ask Shino if the feeling is mutual. ]

[ Were they thinking along the same lines? Without Shino saying explicitly what's going through his head, it's impossible for either of them to know. His response to those hands on his face, the press of a forehead, and the words right then...

His chest hurts. His chest hurts, and his eyes burn, and he's crying without any sort of pause between relative maudlin calm and heartfelt, sobbing outpouring. He doesn't stay still, either, because he's not sure what to say or how to say it, so when he tries to shove his face into the crook of Shi Qingxuan's neck and burrow into his arms and lap, clinging tight, it's just a garbled mess of unfinished sentences and sentiments. ]

I'm sorry [ and ] I love you [ and ] why not a dog [ as if turning into any one animal is a choice any of them can make. But stress is stress; the fears he feels aren't logical, all tied up in how he said he didn't want to be why he lost Qingxuan because he already knows the world itself can be a reason why. ]

Don't leave.

[ And there's that, too. Something no one can guarantee by mechanisms beyond them, but something one can try to live by under their own power. And even that is not a logical plea, but the compounding of exhaustion and confusion and fears of loneliness and the kindness of those hands and those words and how he doesn't want to let go. ]

[ The moment Shino throws himself against him, Shi Qingxuan curls his arms around his back, hand stroking the back of his head. So many pent up feelings, and Shi Qingxuan can understand that. He can at least understand Shino's simple words and honest tears, and he can understand how much he wants to be held.

So he settles down in the bed to make holding him more comfortable, to make it feel more natural to nuzzle into his hair. ]

Whatever you are is fine, as long as you're still yourself.

[ There's a warm, almost amused not to his voice as he answers that. ]

I'll be with you for as long as you want me. [ And a squeeze around his back. ] Didn't I already say? It's not greedy to ask me to stay as long as you want.

[ So he'll stay, and he'll hold him, and he'll love him, and he'll protect him, as he always has. ]

[ He stays close, and the crying subsides quickly, too wrung out to have the energy for tears. He believes Shi Qingxuan; of course he does. It's still something he'd needed to hear right now.

He doesn't want to go through another stint in that kind of Iris state again. Hopefully he won't have to. Lacking that assurance, he'll hold on to that hope.

Calming down, he still clings tight, eyes closed and cheeks and chin damped by tears, now slowly drying. ]

I'm not usually like this.

[ He says at some length, and if it's not usually this undone or not usually this torn up about what's outside of his control, both are true. Usually he's just angry. ]

I know what you're usually like by now...

[ He shakes his head, cuddling him still. ]

If you're sad or hurt, it's okay to cry. You can cry whenever you want to. [ Petting his back, he can feel the parts of his hair that haven't been smoothed out by the comb yet. ] You can be honest with all your feelings.

[ It's a reassurance, but also- ]

I always liked that you were so open. It doesn't suit you to hold back.

[ He'd managed to hold back for a whole day. Or a week, on another count, but for this? Being torn up over it? A whole day.

For him, that was a remarkably short time to bottle something negative away. He knows how much of his heart he shows, but he also knows what he hides away, and that this is the first time he hasn't when it comes to his lonely, darker thoughts... that's not lost on him. He cleaves to Shi Qingxuan, humming a note of acknowledgement in his throat. ]

I love you.

[ He says, because it's the biggest emotion right now, and the rest, the rest he can address after that important point. ]

I don't cry half as much as you think I do.

[ With anyone other than... Shi Qingxuan, in all truth. ]

I know you don't cry that much?

[ He laughs a little, pressing a kiss to the crown of Shino's head. He doesn't even know where that comment comes from. ]

As I said, it's okay to cry if you're hurt or sad.

[ If anything, he hopes he doesn't have much reason to cry... ]

I love you...

[ Which means a lot of things in this moment. ]

[ He's... so exhausted he's having a hard time keeping his eyes open even when he opens them again. ]

Love you too.

[ Is close to automatic, but heavy with the same meaning he doesn't always impart when he says it; now he nuzzles closer and holds on with a renewed squeeze, wanting to just. Be like this for a while. With someone he specifically cares about in varied, deep ways; and someone who is, like all those he cares for, not holding his weak moments against him.

He loves Shi Qingxuan very much, even if he is annoyingly tall. The jerk. ]

[ Shi Qingxuan loves Shino in all his short and compact ways. He fits nearly perfectly in his arms. (It he leaned back and pulled Shino along, then it would absolutely be perfect.)

He doesn't think anything more needs to be said beyond a hum and another, little kiss to return that I love you all over again.

He loves him. He loves him no matter what. He can't imagine a condition that would make his love for him decrease. It's hard not to feel that way about his first love. It's a soft, warm feeling that wraps around the two of them in Shi Qingxuan's mind. ]

Shino.

[ He whispers, his nose buried in Shino's hair, voice just above his ear. ]

I want to make love with you, too.

[ Now? In general? In his half-human form? Regardless of his intentions there, he follows that statement up with small kiss and his arms squeezing around Shino's back. ]

Edited 2020-07-28 22:21 (UTC)

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